|
Post by Spinner on Oct 7, 2007 19:49:28 GMT -5
September 15, 2025
So I guess I might try keeping a journal now. I feel rather idiotic writing like this, but here it is. I haven't kept a diary since I was seven.
It's not as though I never write. I used to enjoy writing short stories. I tried writing a novel, but I got writers' block and accidentally combusted the notebook into a fiery blaze. I suppose a computer would have been better suited for the job. Never mind that. I don't suppose that would really work, either, would it? Plastic melts....
I tried to break up with Sebastian Adams. (And here I go, off onto my emotional breakdown, when I could be working up to it, but why? Why, when it's inevitable?) I tried to stay away from him. It was so much easier to pretend he didn't exist, to pretend he wasn't even fucking alive when I didn't have to see him. When I didn't see him, I didn't really have to think about him, it wasn't so hard to repress the memories of him. I thought about him, anyway, of course.
Why is it, that whenever you try to hate someone, the only memories you can seem to think of are the good ones? The ones you loved, the reason you hung around in the first place...
And I know I love him, despite hating him. Despising him sometimes, even. It was easier to hold it back before. Then he told me he loved me.
It could have been a lie, I know, and I'm well accustomed to him lying to me, to the point where I just expect it of him. I suppose that's a bad thing, but I can't help it. It's not that I trust him, or that I am deluding myself. I want to believe, I really do, but that's not it either. It's the 'what if' scenario. What if he is telling the truth? I'm not so sure if he was lying, and usually I know. I had broken up with him, he and his sister both threw coinciding parties at their house. He went outside. I was already there. He didn't see me. I said something. After a bit of this I asked what we were going to do, or something like this, "Are we just going to stop talking? I think it's probably for the best. I can't handle the whole fiasco happening a third time, and if we do talk it's just to snap at each other." And the only reason I remember these words is that I've run them through my head so many times since the second they were said, and I'll bet money on his exact response. "I think it will be for the best if we just don't talk at all, If we don't even look or think about one another.." And then he whispered that he loved me, and being the idiot that I am, I believed him. I still do. And maybe it's okay to be an idiot sometimes. Am I the kind of stupid moron to throw love away? I used to be. Maybe I am still, because my loyalties still do not make sense to me. I believe in nothing he stands for. Nothing.
To make it short, I guess I believe it because he has never said it before. Even when he was lying, and working his way to tear apart my heart just because...just because I tried to act like I didn't have one. And I'm about to cry now, because how, how could I fall in love with that? He tortured Theo. Of course Theo tortured him back, but it was Sebastian who took the first hit.
I don't know what I'll do if he hurts me again. I just want my head to be quiet. I'd rather exist than feel. I don't want to have to hurt anyone, and I have an idea that that is exactly what this goddamn 'Zy' and this stupid fucking 'Association' have in mind.
He's the one who got me into the mess... Or maybe that is just wishful thinking. I got myself into it, but he's partly to blame. I can't forgive him, but I can't forget him either, and so far I haven't found a way to stop loving him.
|
|
|
Post by Spinner on Nov 1, 2007 8:55:52 GMT -5
October 29, 2025
I didn't think I would start writing in this damned thing again, but I guess I lied to myself. I do that a lot.
I tried to kill myself today. I don't know why...if I succeeded, I would be dead, so there would be nothing to regret. But I didn't. Professor Masters 'saved' me. Now I feel stupid. What would that solve? I guess I would be one less problem in the world, but it was never like me to care about anyone or anything else.
Maegan Ryder... Really, for someone who used to be a friend, or at least an acquaintance, she turned out to be a complete bitch. Not that I can hate her for this. She told me that Sebastian made a bet that he could sleep with me. I felt like a fucking item. I probably wouldn't have stayed so mad at him, but even while he was here with me in the hospital wing, he wouldn't even tell me the terms. All he could do was lie. I guess I lied to myself again. I can hate her for it.
I need to get over this stupid love thing. Even if he's the only one I care about, I can't stand it. Caring is too much...
|
|
|
Post by Spinner on Nov 7, 2007 22:37:04 GMT -5
October 30, 2025
Every emotion that I have ever felt has faded from me over the past day. I can barely remember them, like a lost dream. It's like trying to hold sand with your fingers open. I suppose this should scare me, but I can't even feel that. Anything that I say is bitter, and it sounds angry, but honestly I could care less. Is it for better or for worse?
I have no idea what is happening to me, and yet I cannot seem to feel anything. Not remorse, nor fear, nor sadness... The only thing that even mildly irks me is how nonsensical it is, how it lacks logic. Sebastian Adams seems to be the catalyst that caused it, but I couldn't care less if he managed to step into oncoming traffic. He's not worth losing everything, or not so far as I suppose. I guess once its gone it will be okay. Once I forget I won't be able to miss it.
Save me?
Later Forget all that. I think it was an after effect of the sleeping draft. There was probably a tranq in it or something. I don't feel emotional, just exhausted. I can feel again, though, for better or for worse. I wonder if the teachers would suspect me if I blew him up... [/blockquote]
|
|
|
Post by Spinner on Nov 20, 2007 20:40:04 GMT -5
October 30-31(midnight)
My words are my faith, to hell with our good name.
He finally dumped me. I suppose relieved is what I should feel, what I want to feel, but all I can feel is devastated. I don't know why I bother writing here, but it's better than telling someone. And somehow I just need it off my chest. He told me the bet. Finally, and though I hate when he lies... He once told me that if he told me the truth it would hurt me. Does this mean he does not mind hurting me anymore? He was going to propose. He threw the ring into the lake. Only myself, him, and the gods know what that wretched body of water is tainted with now. A lost promise that led to two broken hearts, one reparable, and one irreparable. Guess which one's mine? He'll fair better. Or so I should hope. He's Sebastian Adams, he always gets over it.
I'll be a part of the destruction of the Association, even if I die in attempt, and even if my part is meaningless. It will be my final revenge. Good-bye, Sebastian. I do hope you know I love you, but you have to understand. You broke my heart. It's only fair. [/blockquote]
|
|
|
Post by Spinner on Apr 11, 2008 22:01:14 GMT -5
December 16, 2025
I can take your problems away with a nod and a wave of my hand 'cause that's just the kind of boy that I am.
I really do wish that someone could do that for me. Not to sound melodramatic, but I barely know where I am at, let alone where I'm going. The moment that moron Adams showed up all my ambition was lost to some damned chemical reaction in my brain, and I thought I was better. I thought the anger cured the pain, cured the love, but I guess I was wrong.
Porcelain tried to poison him. It nearly worked, and if that psychotic Health Teacher never came when he did, Sebastian would be dead. I stayed with him throughout his coma. I wasn't thinking. I should have just left him, because I ended up being there when he woke. He said something I didn't understand right away. He cannot remember. If he did, he never would have said he loved me.
Why would he do that? Why the fuck would he do that to me? He had to have remembered something...
And is it so wrong of me to want to torment him with everything he's done? When he's too lost from himself to know how to respond to the information? I suppose it is, but I don't care.
I loved the stupid bastard. A part of me still does, but all he has ever done is hurt me. How can you be in love with someone you want to hurt? It's beyond my own comprehension, and I better stop now. I better stop myself.
At the last Association meeting, I was directed to kill someone. I did. Without even a second thought or misgiving, I fashioned a spear from flames and stuck it through his heart. I looked on as he choked on his own blood while his heart fought to beat, and finally it all died. His heart, his choking, his life.
Why?
Just a few days before the holiday begins...
[/color]
|
|